It’s not often I write a blog these days, as many of you know I find it hard to write down my thoughts into coherent forms of verbal communication. Sometimes those situations do arise in life where I can not communicate for whatever reason in public how I am truly feeling. So once again I am here, articulating and venting the frustration I feel in the safe, anonymous quiet that is the internet.
Being led on is an awful act of cruelty on both parties. The one who is led on ends up feeling unwanted, idiotic and ashamed that they let themselves get into the situation. The one who leads does not always realise what they’ve done till it’s too late to make amends or maintains the ground that the people who get led on clearly know what is happening from their reputation, a way to push the feelings of guilt off them.
Sadly I was led on very recently, but first a bit of backstory to help make the point I will end up at. The person in question, from this point referred to as Liam, I have know for some time now. Flirting occurred, numbers exchanged and so started the dance that people perform when feeling out if a relationship can form. Eventually after a month or so I became frustrated with not knowing where I stood and asked Liam, to which he made it clear that it was just a friendship for him. I was a bit little taken a back, as with all the flirtatious banter it seemed to point towards more than friends. Still I accepted it and moved on, best to have a friendship than none at all.
A certain amount of time passed by and not less than a month ago it was made clear by Liam that some thing more than friendship could be on the cards. Then it was made very clear when he kissed me and we both agreed that it wouldn’t be a one off thing. I did make one condition, to keep it secret. An odd request, but I am not one for gossip when it comes to my personally affairs. A few weeks went by and eventually I took advantage of an opportunity to kiss Liam. A bit forward I’ll admit, but those of you who know me well will understand that I am not the type to sit around and wait, I will take matters into hand. In my mind it was fair game. That evening, after making a joke about my forward ness I received a message saying: ‘Erm this is entirely my fault but tbh (to be honest) I want to see where it goes with this girl first, (during the day he mentioned that he would be going to the cinema with a girl and her friends) I really like her :/’
Me: Meh fair enough, at least your (sic) honest 🙂
Liam: Sorry, the flirting it mostly banter, just think it carries on too far
Me: Then please make that clear. As far as I was aware you were fair game, remember you kissed me first and blurred that line. I am annoyed, mainly because I now feel so embarrassed as I would never have done that tonight if I had that information beforehand. Still I hope it goes well for you mate.
Liam: Tbf (to be fair) the first time I didn’t know it was going anywhere with her, but fair enough I take that responsibility! I apologise
Unknown to Liam his words in that conversation has hurt me more than he realised and I can only assume the hurt that I feel is unintentional. Still the hurt is there and can not be ignored. He unknowingly has made me feel second best, only there for when his first choice is unavailable and so unwanted. At first I was angry, then upset, then vengeful and then all three. The next morning when I woke up realised that there is no point in these hateful emotions. This person, through no fault of his own, is emotionally inexperienced. How could he possible understand what he has inadvertently put me through. With that the grudge that was building simple vanished. I’d finally learnt the life lesson of letting the bitterness, that we all feel some times, go. Don’t think though for one moment the hurt has gone. That is still there and will take time to heal, but I hold no resentment. I only hope that the person in question has read this and can understand now what his action has caused. I also hope that he takes away his own life lesson of how not to treat women, as not all women in this situation will be as calm and cool headed as me.
Edit: In no way am I trying to attack the person in question, nor am I looking for sympathy. For me getting it out in an environment I feel is safe helps to take it off my mind. The person in question is a very nice person and can not help that he wants someone else, in no way am I making excuses for him. I just don’t want anyone saying negative things about someone they don’t actually know.