Loneliness

Loneliness: noun

[mass noun]

  • sadness because one has no friends or company: feelings of depression and loneliness
  • the fact of being without companions; solitariness: the loneliness of a sailor’s life
  • (of a place) the quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation: the loneliness of the farm

Nobody wants to be alone; it’s not in our nature as humans to be solitary. When circumstances seem to conspire against you, there seems no other option but to feel alone.

I’m not alone at home, as I live in a house with my father’s partner. I’m not alone when I go to volunteer at the radio station, as I have my colleagues and I’m not alone when I go out, as I have my friends to visit. My heart is alone.

I have spent a few nights mulling over this problem, fighting the emotions with the swift assurance of cold logic. Unfortunately I have never been good at winning arguments, especially when my heart comes in to play. I try in vain to not let myself slip down to the crushing lows of despair, sometimes it seems the rope back to sanity is just out of reach. I’m normally light hearted and optimistic, it was only when I realised that it will be my 26th birthday soon that I remembered how I saw my future self, at the age of 16.

“Settled in a television career with great prospects, possible having produced a few successful television series. Looking to be getting married in a traditional wedding; full of friends and family. Then between 28 and 32, preparing for and starting a family. 2 of each would suffice.”

How far I have seemed to deviated from that perfect ideal. This is not the first time I’ve thought upon this, but never has it seemed so upsetting than in this stage of my life. Logging on to social media pages, I see friends back from school, university and those who are currently in my life getting engaged, married or having children. I love that this is happening and seeing the people around me happy makes life so much brighter. Combined with what I thought as a 16 year old it only helps despair to grapple me with her hooks; dragging me down to keep her company.

I know that 26 isn’t old and I’m still in my youth, but the environment that I grew up in has embedded the idea of being married and settled with a family from your early twenties. Again seeing friends from school managing to do this reinforces that ideal, causing me to feel that I have failed in life. I fear that I will crack and jump into a relationship or worse things, just to attempt to fill the void I feel ever present in my soul.

Leaving the past behind is the healthy option, but, just like loneliness circumstances conspire against us. The only option at this junction is to face these demons head on, attempt to accept them and crawl my way back into a positive attitude.

If you have managed to drag your way through, what is not a very heartening post then please be aware I’m not writing this to get sympathy. Nor am I trying to bring your mood down. I just need to release these feelings from time to time; almost a form of self counselling.

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One thought on “Loneliness

  1. I’m very sorry I was too busy to read this at the time, because… erm… I was due to get married 7 days later… but rest assured you always have friends.

    Besides, you seem to be doing much better now. I hope this is true.

    Your friend,

    Jimbot.

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