Are clothes really that important during a zombie apocalypse? I don’t mean researching future fashions to keep up your ‘street cred’, but the effect your clothes can and will have. For example, if I were to be running away from say three zombies in stilettos and a full length floor gown dress what do you think will happen? OK maybe using me in that example is a bad idea, as I would have torn all the material from the knee down off for use as make shift bandages, torches etc and also I’d remove the stilettos for ease of running and as a weapon to crack some rotting skulls. Let’s try that again. Imagine a Paris Hilton like person in that situation, now what would happen? Their inevitable, spectacular and gory death.
In a perfect world we’d know when and how the zombie apocalypse will happen. That way we could prepare for it and live happily ever after in our electrified fenced, 6 foot concreted walled fort. We don’t though so here are a few of my clothing attire tips for your reading pleasure.
1. Cover up.
Some folks will find this hard as they will have spent the majority of their teenage and adult life displaying flesh for all the living to drool on. Trust me, when the undead are drooling at you it’s not because they are after your ‘cookies’, whatever the hell that means, they are considering how easy you are making it to attack your flesh directly. The Resident Evil films gets on my nerve for this. Take this picture as an example.
Yes she maybe Alice who can kick your ass so many ways that only Chuck Norris could count, but it’s a bad example to follow. You may look cool in this outfit, but when a zombie stealth’s up from the side and takes a chunk out of your arm you’ll be regretting it very quickly. Your arms and legs aren’t the only things that need covering your neck and face is important too. Have a scarf handy and some form of mask with eye protection too. No point in splatting a zombie to end up with blood splattered in your eye. Don’t get me wrong though, if you’re in the middle of a hot country sat in your armoured van then its fine to uncover your arms and cool off, but just remember to cover up upon leaving your armoured van. It’s common sense really.
2. Keep it tight, don’t hang out.
Again certain members of society will have immense trouble sticking to this one, my cousin Jack included. Baggy trousers and tops are going to get you killed in the zombie apocalypse. Picture yourself alone in an alley with a shamble of zombies (not sure if that’s the right collective term for a group of zombies, but it sounds cool) after you. You think you’ve managed to break through when a zombie comes out of a dark corner and grabs your trousers. From that one incident you’ve been tripped and now have the shamble closing in on you. Even if you manage to lose the trousers, chances are another zombie will grab you top. You see where this is going now? Tight clothes eliminate this threat of being tripped or dragged down, thus giving you a better survival chance.
3. Leather is your friend.
As nice as wearing thin clothes like t-shirts or tights are think about the protection it’s offering you. How many times have you gotten a ladder in your tights just from pulling them on? How often have you got a rip in your t-shirt from stretching too far? If it’s that easy for you to make it happen how easy do you think it will be for a zombie to bite through it? You want to look at thicker forms of clothing. Denim and leather are your friends. As previously stated if you’re in a well forted area or an armoured van then sure, cool off and wear some shorts and a shirt, but when out there put on the thicker clothing. You may end up all smelly and sweaty, but it’s better than getting riddle with varies bite and scratch marks.
4. The Four Seasons.
I am not referring to either the hotel chain or the classical music composed by Vivaldi, but the actually seasons that effect us. Whilst keeping in mind that which I have already typed above you do need to dress according to the time of year. If it’s raining wear water-proofs, surviving the zombie apocalypse will mean nothing if you catch pneumonia. In the winter wear clothes that will insulate and keep you warm and in the summer wear clothes that will let you cool off.
5. Practical footwear for the sole
It’s obvious, flat footwear will go a lot further than fancy, high heeled shoes. Saying that though you really want to invest in some walking boots. Trainers are good for running away across flat land, but as soon as you hit rocky terrain I guarantee you’ll twist your ankle. Girls’ ballerina shoes are a serious no. With such thin soles and absolutely no support on your foot what so ever you’ll either seriously injury yourself or break the shoe within a day.